Craving to be special

Since childhood, we've been taught to believe in our uniqueness. As a child, it felt crucial to excel and stand out of the crowd. This mindset is embedded in us by our culture, education, and parents, shaping our subconscious without us realizing it. Our society tends to label external markers of success, such as wealth and status, often based on our intellectual capabilities. Consequently, individuals are often categorized by our societies as either "successful" or "mediocre".

Based on this conditioning, I found myself striving for excellence in every aspect of my life, particularly in education and business. In school, I consistently ranked first among my peers, often with a significant lead in grades over the second-place student. This trend continued into my professional career, where I maintained a top position and generated nearly half of the company's total income despite its large workforce.

This belief in my uniqueness was further reinforced by my reading habits, which included philosophy, self-help, and spiritual literature. Additionally, being well-educated and possessing a talent for poetry contributed to my sense of being part of an elite class. As a result, the conviction that I was special became deeply ingrained within me, fueled by the praise I received from those around me, to the point where being special engraved my personal motto, which was, "GO BIG OR GO HOME."

The cherry on top was stumbling upon numerous fortunetellers and self-proclaimed spiritual teachers without deliberately seeking them out, who delved into intricate details about both my promising future and the impact I had on communities in my past lifetimes. It felt as if the universe was conspiring to further convince me of my uniqueness.

The Turning point

During one of my contemplation sessions, after facing hardships in life, I began to ask myself, "Am I really special?" Delving deeper into this question, I realized that everyone views themselves as special in their own way. For someone, it may be their physical appearance, for another, it could be their intellect, and for yet another, their societal role. Even those experiencing depression may see their unique struggles and being victims as making them special.

Reflecting further, I noticed that people often transition from one source of identity to another in their pursuit of self-improvement. They may start by identifying with their physical body, then move to their possessions and intellect. However, the most concerning identification I observed was with the concept of spirituality. Here, individuals create an image of themselves as "spiritual".

The extent of one's identification directly correlates with their sense of uniqueness, and those who become excessively attached to certain identities often exhibit the most unappealing forms of uniqueness.

In my career, which was organizing economic conferences, I had the opportunity to interact with royalty, prime ministers, chairpersons, and CEOs of major corporations. Observing many of these leaders, I noticed their distress and unhappiness despite their wealth and power. Their primary focus seemed to be on winning the rat race, in which they were fully engaged.

During the inauguration of one of my conferences, attended by hundreds of businessmen, businesswomen and officials, the event aimed to address topics such as business ethics, inclusive leadership, social responsibility, and purpose-driven institutions.

In my opening address at the conference, I referenced a quote attributed to Edward Abbey: “Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.” A cancerous cell is not an ordinary cell; it is special, unique, but also very destructive.

Encountering the Siddhas

For a Lebanese person like me, raised in a conservative and somewhat rigid culture, to end up in Tiruvannamalai at the foot of Arunachala is not a coincidence; it is definitely a response from the cosmic flow to my calling.

My first MM workshop was four years ago in Tiruvannamalai. I expected to encounter a knowledgeable teacher who would impress me with his vast understanding. Instead, I was introduced to PalPandian, a humble person with zero interest in impressing me with his knowledge. Surprisingly, he began teaching the class very basic concepts that any intellectual person might overlook.

I anticipated discussions about life, philosophy, and life's purpose. However, he focused on teaching us fundamental issues that we often ignore. His approach resonated with me because, as he said, if you don't know how to stand, you won't know how to walk or run. Thus, the entire workshop was centered on going back to basics. As the workshop progressed, he emphasized the importance of cultivating our sensitivity to our body. Most of the attendees used to think about their body, but very few used to feel it.

Our body is our anchor. Palpandian challenged all the attendees with a question: To what extent preaching is effective in changing the behavior of humans, in other words, does our psychological patterns change by merely being convinced intellectually?

Contemplating on this, I discovered that I invested a considerable time of my life in reading self-help books, philosophy, and so-called spiritual books. I understood lots of things, but did this knowledge transform me? As Alan Watt put it, I was offered the menu but not the food. Yes, I started to ask myself this question: Why is the impact of intellectual teaching not very effective? Pal’s style was not to give you the answers but to trigger you to find it yourself. It has to come from inside out contrary to indoctrination which we are used to.

Pal took us on a journey to explain the process. He said the mind can’t fix the psychological patterns created by itself; it’s like a thief trying to catch a thief. In simpler terms, the ego is trying to fix itself. This ego keeps changing its mask, making it very hard to truly undergo any drastic transformation. On the other hand, our body (both gross and subtle) carry the imprints of all our psychological patterns, and this is reflected in our physical appearance and our body language. So, by cultivating our sensitivity to our bodies, we will sense our distortions and deviations on the psychological level, making the body a solid anchor in the pursuit of truth.

Later, as time went on, these practices proved their effectiveness. And this was just the start of a long journey of integrating my shadow by organically addressing my unconscious psychological knots.

For Pal, grounding is his top priority. He didn't take us on a confusing imaginary spiritual journey, but instead to the battlefield of reality. Instead of talking about enlightenment, he focused on how to stay grounded, where the main focus is to enjoy the journey rather than the destination. Instead of teaching us shortcuts, he emphasized the importance of patience through practical special tailored practices.

If I were to talk about all the practical knowledge and practices I learned in this workshop, I would need to write a book, and even that might not be enough.

Returning to the main point of our discussion, Pal's real uniqueness was that he didn’t possess any image about himself. he freed himself from all the identifications that we are struggling with. He simply flowed as life flows. And that’s what being special is all about.