To Achieve or Not to Achieve?

Jan 1

When I was 13 years old, I read Hermann Hesse’s book Demian. The German edition began with a quote that touched me deeply and has, in some way, felt like an ever-whispering undercurrent throughout most of my life. Here is my literal translation from German to English: “All I wanted to do was try to live what wanted to come out of me on its own. Why was that so very difficult?” *

But how does this tie into achievement?

Achievement is fueled by ambition and holds an almost sacred status in our culture. It’s intertwined with success and identity. You’re either successful or, otherwise, viewed as a loser. Of course, having a goal and planning for it is important, but if we then start to approach this work in programmed steps and are unable to connect with its organic flow and everything that arises, we miss the aliveness in it.

I grew up influenced by my parents' conditioning, having survived the war and its aftermath. The destruction and poverty in most of Germany were intense, and life became all about the ambition and achievement of rebuilding—creating a stable life with enough food to eat and a warm, cozy home. It was a deep drive for survival. In my upbringing, there was still an overemphasis on life as a task. At the same time, it also felt like a dilemma to me: the need to achieve, to never be lazy, and yet the absolute prohibition against pride. I came to think this was rooted in the collective guilt ingrained in some Germans after the events of World War II.

When we achieve something, we seem to ‘arrive,’ tasting a promise of lasting safety, joy, or fulfillment. In reality, it often requires constant effort to maintain, or we quickly, often out of compulsion, move on to the next goal. The flame of ambition, the flame of hunger—from achievement to identification—burns so intensely that it can lead to burnout, identity crises, and depression, the opposite of nourishment. Yet, we long to feel nourished but instead reach for ‘tasty substances and new experiences’ that fuel this flame of pseudo-identity.

I can speak from experience. Each time I chased and achieved something and felt a sense of ‘finally arriving,' I was met only with burnout, emptiness, and restlessness. Whether it was building a successful business in my twenties, embarking on a spiritual quest in India, or finding stability in marriage, each ‘perceived arrival’ unraveled, often painfully. One profound moment came seven years ago in the High Himalayas, where mystical experiences led me to think, “I have finally arrived.” Yet, upon returning to the U.S., I found myself quite triggered, reactive and agitated once again. This disillusionment brought me to my knees and opened the door to meeting my Siddha teacher, Pal Pandian.

Pal Pandian says: “Of course, we need to relate to the world. This pattern starts right after birth with the suckling response of the baby, who wants to suckle at the mother’s breast. This is where the orientation to space begins for all of us entering this life. We learn how to relate to this world.”

He also shares: “We need pseudo-identities to find the authentic one. So we don’t have to treat pseudo-identity as an enemy. It is a vehicle that indicates the other possibility.”

The power of identification—Ahamkara or ego—is driven by memory, which the Siddhas call Chitam. This highlights the importance of letting go of memories tied to pseudo-identities and being mindful of what we add to our Chitam in order to allow true nourishment. For this inner unfoldment, we must embrace the experience of an embodied personal journey.

Through Pal Pandian’s guidance and the way how we approached the practices—both lifestyle practices and spiritual practices (sadhana)—not as just another “applied technique” but rather with an attitude of awareness, to slow down, to listen and to feel. I began to sense myself more deeply through relaxation. Learning to relax with awareness became the first step in our practices, leading to a deeper sense of nourishment and, eventually, to a feeling of 'being moved from within.’

Perhaps this is what Hermann Hesse suggests in the poetical opening quote of his book Demian—the difficulty lies in the struggle between external conditioning and pressures and our so-called ‘authentic voice.’ Within this tension, something deeper moves us beyond the rational mind. The difficulty also lies in the fact that we no longer fully know how to listen to this deeper, organic aspect and have lost our sense of true nourishment.

Some of the significant blocks to nourishment are ambition, achievement, and perfectionism. Focusing solely on the goal often causes us to miss the chance to integrate both the enjoyable and unenjoyable lessons along the way. Nourishment requires adaptation and absorption, not just rushing to the next milestone or project.

These challenges don’t just affect our sense of self but can also manifest in how we relate to basic nourishment, like food. From my personal experience and through my work with many clients over the years, I’ve noticed that on a nutritional level, many people struggle with poor nutrient absorption, which manifests in symptoms like low immunity, digestive problems, and often low energy, among others. This is also reflected in their blood test results. Despite the fact that many people in California, where I live, eat organic food, take lots of high-quality supplements, and are focused on achieving ‘Good Health,’ food is often disconnected from true nourishment. Food becomes just another goal to achieve—either we just eat to nourish or eat in a rushed way (making nourishment a task). Or we overeat because we don’t feel nourished (nourishment doesn’t get absorbed and integrated), or consume junk food to satisfy cravings for sugar, salt, or sour taste (where nourishment becomes a distraction or addiction). In addition, many take so many supplements long-term (nourishment becomes mechanical and fragmented) in an attempt to fill the gap. But there is no true nourishment in this approach.

Pal Pandian emphasizes always nourishing the journey. He taught us a simple life style practice to restore nourishment in the way how we eat:

• Take one bite, chew well, and only reach for more once you’ve swallowed.

• Avoid talking while eating.

• Don’t rush.

Practicing this, even for a few bites during one meal, can support the way we connect with food and our wholistic health.